I’ve felt the urge to run, not to run away but just run. I want to feel the ground beneath my feet, to feel my muscles tensing and relaxing as the movement goes from a jog to a sprint, and to feel the power and will of my true self.
Thoughts race through my mind instead. Time, worry, wonder, transitions, space, tiny dresses, beautiful smiles, meadows, trees, flowers, work, children, meaning, purpose, dreams, and finally Why?
Why are all these things running through my mind? Why do I feel the urge to run like the thoughts in my head? I know actions speak louder then words. What are these words trying to tell me? I know that everything is temporary? Why do I let the fear and sadness of it bother me? Why am I giving these words any thought at all, they don’t matter, they don’t change anything.
I’ve experienced all of this before at one point or another throughout my life. I’ve dealt with it and survived, so why can’t I accept it?
Am I so much of a fighter that I refuse to accept it? Am I such a dreamer that part of me believes that I can change the fact that everything goes away in the end? Am I resisting the fact that I’m not in control of anything but my own actions?
Is my brain scratched and the needle stuck in the groove?
Then all of a sudden a single thought pops out of the clear thin blue air and rocks my brain enough to bounce the needle out of the groove. “It says ’because you have never experienced this, it is a totally new reality, a healthy new beginning”
Thanks, unknown voice in my head, higher self, goD, whatever you are. Now I understand and feel a lot better.