There is so much in my head that sometimes I wish I had a turn off switch
With one click everything would stop, even the thought of who I am.
What would it be like if one day I could wake up as someone else.
May be life would be easier, may be than I don’t have to fight everyday
My sanity hangs on a thread of a spider’s web, the slightest breeze can tear it
Leaving me falling down in a black hole of fear and pain, memory’s and feelings
Of a time long past, that I can’t seem to detach myself from.
You would like to know what I feel? I wish I could give all of it to you.
So I don’t have to feel it, so I could just be someone else for a day.
Being me is having to fight to stay sane every day and every hour.
The friendly me is a mask I have to work hard to, to contain.
Underneath it is a 7-year-old girl who is still lost in the tunnels of time.
I sometimes go look for her and I speak to her, so I can bring her to the light
Other times I cannot and hide from her, because the darkness she lives in scares me.
The me no one sees is hidden in the disturbing labyrinth of memories
Under the ground of my conscious mind, hidden away from eyes of others
Some even hidden from my own self, because it hurts me too much to see it.
It is like having a broken record in your mind, constantly repeating
How worthless you are, that you will never achieve anything and that your life is hopeless
That no one loves you and you better go and kill yourself because you are nothing anyway.
I have to live with every single moment of every day.
Sometimes I hide away in my room and cry, I would cry for hours.
Because it’s the only way I can allow myself to be this little girl
That I keep locked away in the corners of my mind.
She is a reminder of a moment in time that I was nothing.
That the people meant to care for me, hurt me.
Everything was my fault and if I dared to protest they hurt me even more.
I had no one. The only person I loved died in those days.
I continued my life locking away those feelings deep within
Bottled away in my heart far away from everyone even me.
Because I always blamed myself for his death, I mean everything was my fault anyway.
Do you know how it feels to be always alone even in a room full of people?
I was always the strange one, the one that doesn’t fit in.
I still haven’t told mum about the pedophile that raped me when I was 12.
Or about the boy that tried to and sexually abused me when I was 9, in the school bathroom.
She wouldn’t believe me anyway; she still refuses to believe about dad that too so why bother.
Darkness is all I knew up to my 27th year, I had to lose everything to gain everything.
I have spent a year on the streets with a child on my arm running away from a crazy abusive ex.
Its than, that destiny finally smiled on me and gave me a tunnel of light I can hang on to.
I wonder sometimes why do I even bother staying alive, there is nothing in this life for me.
Every passing day is spent in pain and suffering, I haven’t felt peace since I was a young child.
I don’t even know what love is, I only felt it once in my life and I’m not even sure if that is it.
I don’t allow anyone to look behind that mask I wear every day
Because everyone who looked has ending up hurting me, so now it’s my permanent face.
Under the mask of the friendly and kind Anki there is a face that is drowning in memories.
All it knows is pain and anxiety, it sees the pain in others and it knows it within herself too.
It asks me to please end it every single day, to let her rest to give her peace.
As long as there is a child depending on me I cannot do that, but I have tried. Too many times.
It seems I can’t even die right because every time I try something happens and I fail.
People depending on you, you bring us all together we need you I am told.
No you don’t, you need the version of me that you think I am,
You have no idea who I am, I don’t even know who I am.
Hand full of people were able to see me as I am. I am thankful to them
For eternity I will remember their souls for not judging me
For seeing that darkness that lives under the surface and soothing it.
I spend the days I have left trying to spear other people the pain I feel.
May be if I can’t heal myself, than I will heal others so they don’t have to suffer like I do.
Peace profound, your sister