Temple Illuminatus

Webcam Avatar Out-takes, a bit about my life now, and my gratitude.

These are the unedited rejects/out-takes from yesterday off the webcam for me playing around and getting some updated avatar and profile pics since I've been growing my hair out. :)

I usually crop them, up the contrast a bit and take out pillow background that shows I'm actually laying down for these. lol. Basically sitting up is very tiring for me with my health issues, I lay down with the webcam on top of me all day, so basically you can see in some of these my knuckles on the keyboard coming in to the shot, something I would normally crop out. I usually tweek the contrast and colour a bit as well.

So there you have it... lol. Except on most days I don't bother putting makeup and clothes on! Getting dressed and undressed is hard work! But I essentially look pretty much the same on the other end of the internet. *smile*

The spot I'm laying in is on a big oversize very comfortable sectional sofa on the 'divan' part of it, I have a big tray next to me with everything I need throughout the day. I have padding underneath me, as well as a heating pad under my back area. I use heat every morning to work on my back tension and pain.

My partner gray brings me all my medications, meals and things I need on trays to me. I still manage getting up and down to the bathroom no problem, thank goodness, and to and from the bedroom to my couch morning and night, and I'm well enough to make it out and up and down the back steps to the hot tub a few times a week.

I have a bath about once a week, and often require assistance with it.

I no longer go out in my wheelchair unless it's for a Dr.'s appt, or some other unavoidable obligation as I find sitting up for long periods very tiring and it ends up impacting my health giving me less energy and more pain for about a week afterwards.

I get very tired doing simple things, like brushing and flossing or eating a meal. I have to pace myself and most meals take about an hour to eat. Breakfast which is larger takes me about 4 hours.. I basically graze all morning long.

I can do lots online though! using a mouse takes very little effort and movement, it's set very sensitive, and I can do it all day. Typing is more challenging, and I have to pace myself more carefully, which is why I don't use chat. I'm unable to most of the time keep up without wearing myself out rapidly.

I'm someone in general, that prefers to focus on what they can do, rather than what they can't, and focus on my pleasures, rather than my pains.

I like to do things for the animals when I can, brush them, and all last week I had to clean their ears and give them drops for mites, since the new kitten had come home with them. We treated everyone else just to be sure. It was a bit hard on me to do, but satisfying.

I've been able to do less and less over time, it seems not just chronic but slowly progressive, my illness. However, things can and do change, and some people do have remissions, though realistically with my severity of ME/CFIDS/FM it's rare. I've had to scale back my activity online again recently, and I'm really appreciative of all the help and support I've been getting from our admin team and other members.

Anyways enough about all of that... I just thought I'd give people a little peek into my world where I'm at right now. :)

You can see though, despite pain and fatigue.. I'm HAPPY! :) and a lot of that has to do with all of you here, having this site to focus on and work on and feel like I'm doing something meaningful despite my disability is incredibly meaningful for me. So thank you all for letting me share with you here in my blog and here in the co-creation of my website.

I consider you all family and have a great deal of love for this space and everyone in it.

Live in Love
Leila

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Comment by Leila Raven on July 11, 2011 at 3:25pm: Thanks for kind words Vanessa. :) Sometimes I look in the mirror and see beautiful, I try to, it takes work, the tendency is still to start to gravitate to perceived 'flaws' extra weight, bulges, wrinkles, spots, etc... I think of myself as someone with average self-esteem. I find it can fluctuate a lot depending on mood... I can look in the mirror and think two completely different things on two different days, though logically I know little has changed but my perspective. I tend to see the beauty in others more easily. I think most of us are this way... more self critical than other critical....

*hugs*

Comment by Leila Raven on July 11, 2011 at 10:10am: Sending positive and healing energy to you this week.. be well and gentle with self.

Comment by Leila Raven on July 10, 2011 at 5:23pm: B'alal be well, it's good to move away from forces that agitate us and knock us off balance, and take time to re-center and come back from a place of focused love. *smile*

Distraction can be helpful, focusing positive efforts elsewhere a while. Expressing the destructive through a creative outlet, rechannelling and rerouting the forces...

Comment by Leila Raven on July 9, 2011 at 12:12pm: Thanks Nigel :)

Stuart - representing the divine feminine, the mad hatter and the fool all in one! lol.

Comment by Leila Raven on July 7, 2011 at 7:48am: Thanks Raibert. :) Yes, I've thought of using voice software, but I find talking taxing too, not as much, but that combined with accounting for error correction, etc, I don't think it would be a big improvement for me. Might help some, but not sure it would be worth it. Might get around to trying it one of these days and finding out for sure. :) lol

Comment by Leila Raven on July 6, 2011 at 5:47pm: Food just sorted... *smile* You're tuned in more specific to me than I am to you... I avoid conscious specifics, just flow flow flow.... it's all good and a go go go... *smile*

If I connected like you do, then I'd make less sense too! lol. so I do, what I do, and you do what you do, and it's all good hoo-doo! ;)

Comment by Leila Raven on July 6, 2011 at 4:27pm: Thanks all for sweet comments :)

I have such a sore back and arms today from trying to hold and balance the laptop a couple of times, something I probably shouldn't have done, but it didn't seem that heavy/hard at the time! lol.

B'alal my hair has been all kinds of lengths colours and styles over the years. The natural colour though I was born very blonde and it's gotten darker and darker slowly over the years and now is a medium-dark brown, it shows up darker on camera than it is. My eyes were blue as a child too, they didn't turn green till my teens. I stopped being naturally blonde shortly after.

It's a trait that runs in my family going from very fair hair to dark hair over the years as well as the changing eye colours.

On top of that I've played with hair dye a lot over the years as well.

I'm now growing it out natural, no hair colour, and I think I'll let it get long a while, but I'm prone to changing my mind when it comes to my hair, on a whim, so who knows. but that's the plan for now.

Comment by L. Love on July 6, 2011 at 8:25am: You have a beautiful spirit Leila and a beautiful face :) Thanks for allowing us to peek into your day. You know what honey? Its all about growing and learning....with the good and not so good. That you can keep a positive side to things is all the better for your general health. I applaud you dearest and very happy to call you family :)

HUGS

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