Anger: Tale of a Recovering Sociopath
Just want to take a minute and introduce myself properly to the group. I did not always feel like I do today. I will not bore everyone with too many details, let us just say that my anger was born during my preteen/ teenage years. Hating the whole concept of "God" and anyone who tried to control me, whether physically or emotionally. I set off on my path to separate my emotions from my logic decision making process. I will never be hurt or make a stupid emotional decision again, I told myself. soon as I could I ran, eventually I was living in the streets 5 states away from home, educational to say the least.
My 20's I employed my reason and logic skills and spent every opportunity to choke out my weak emotions. It was easy to do, all it took was intention and practice. Eventually I realized that there was a flaw with my plan, all the good feelings like joy, peace, satisfaction, patience, happiness, excitement, adventure.... they were all gone. I did not take into consideration that I would lose all of them. I had no idea how to get them back, so my anger and fear multiplied. Panic set in. I was supposed to be the one in control!! In my choas I lashed out at everyone, but none more than myself. I left a terrible wake of hurt people in my desperation to regain my power.
I was not alone, oh no, those feelings might have been gone, but they were replaced by anger and fear's many, many siblings. Rage. Emptiness. Bitterness. Scorn. Betrayal. Mistrust. Paranoia. Insecurity. Hate. Rejection. Confusion.....Despair. They kept me company every waking moment and at night in my dreams as well.
I went to the doctors who tried to medicate me and tell me their prognosis. Sociopath.
Then one Christmas, I broke. I do not know any other way of describing what I experienced. I just terrified the entire gathered family at dinner, my rage at the state of my life came to the surface. I moved into a camper for a month and did not come out. I had to fix myself for Gabriel's sake, because if not I was going to lay down and die.
Thinking of my son Gabriel, I sat in that damn camper and realized that as a child I experienced the greatest happiness for a while, anyhow. Life was always an adventure. When you made a friend as a child, your whole life became more intense! As I thought back I realized I wanted to live that again, because I hated the sight of myself now. I defined what I wanted, I held it in my mind like a solid : I want to live a happy, simple life, in what ever form it chose to present itself. I created an intention to change myself and heal. To take back control of my mind and emotions.
I then realized that I really never paid attention to what was going on inside myself. I was the wolf, my powers of observation were fined tuned from years of survival, nothing happened around me that I was not aware of. No one could lie to me, except myself. I turned my observation to my own mind and heart, and thus began my journey to healing.
The only way I know to overcome fear/anger is to be conscious in the moment they are upon you, meaning to be aware of the universal truth that without them we would never discover courage or the depth of our inner strength. Breathe through it and let it pass through you in full awareness of what you are experiencing and who you are. Most importantly, courage is found when fear is faced and action is taken even in the grip of fear.
That personality is very much still there, because we are one and the same. That is who I am when I exist away from love. I make the conscious decision to be aware of all my thoughts and emotions, while being aware of the people around me as well. I choose what thoughts and emotions to feed. I am in control of this vehicle of experience. I am not perfect and I do rise and fall on the currents around me, but I will not stop moving, and if I keep my eyes up then I will reach the surface.
In my 30s now, and today my life is that adventure, and I have wonderful friends like you!
- David
Comment
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Comment by helgaleena on December 15, 2011 at 7:39pm -
Sociopaths have no feelings. You found out that you actually do and so you are no longer a sociopath. It reminds me very much of how I used to pretend I didn't have an ass because I disliked it THAT much. I was miraculously walking around and taking a crap without ever feeling anything 'down there'. It may take a few decades but you will in time learn to accept all the colors, all the feelings. Your entire system will be ever so much more efficient, wolf pup. And there will be a pack for you.
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Comment by Earth Spirit on August 31, 2011 at 5:39am -
Your post got me thinking about the duality of preditor and prey within us all.
Since you aligned your anger with a wolf, I thought of a deer as it's complimentary love.
The deer uses it's kindness and gentle nature to find Spirit. The wolf protects the deer should it's kindness be taken advantage of. For this protection, the deer sacrifices itself to the wolf on occasion, they become one, then the cycle begins again.
Balance of anger and love, and the wisdom to know when and how to use them.
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Comment by David on August 30, 2011 at 8:20pm -
Thank you all for being so wonderful! This is my starting point. One cannot exist apart from love. It is the very matter that we are, it connects us with everything. However this is my own personal understanding of love. Many people do not have the same understanding, so I try to keep it as simple as possible. It is like being lost in the woods and using the stars to guide your way, if you focus on love, eventually, even with a limited understanding, you will be heading in the right direction, and will find the path that you laid out for yourself.
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Comment by Earth Spirit on August 30, 2011 at 3:40pm
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I like your style, David.
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Comment by walks on August 28, 2011 at 8:28pm -
David, that is beautiful. God Bless you, spirit and god can change and heal us from the inside out making us different people than we used to be.......wonderful...walks
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Comment by Turukai on August 28, 2011 at 7:54pm -
Silent walkings the hallowed halls of your mind,where the infinate woe takes the predators heart
Loneliness and isolated rages become the comforting
Growls and snarls of innocence lost upon the threads of life.
Where you found the courage to move forward
Those lost found peace in the hurt they created
But you created teh peace in releasing this rage from within
Know the purr of the panther and the peaceful silence of the wolf
when the rage has been released and comfort now haunts the peaceful heart.
Remember the love that resides within your soul how beautiful
Infinate and wonderous the childlike innocence of your internal child
For that is the secret to the release of the past life burden you carry.
~Turukai~
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Comment by Keenashe on August 28, 2011 at 2:55pm -
That is beautiful and it has been my experience to a Tee. Although I never believed I had any mental issues and when I would go see a counsellor or psychologist, they didn't think it was my problem either. They said my problem was "situational" lol I removed myself from the situation. Became the eagle that watches the wolf from above which are both me. I have a healthy anger now, not based on survival. It is a beautiful state to be in. I have become the person I was made to be. We are considered as "wounded healers" I am so happy you shared that David... Peace,Love and Light Brother hugzzz
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Comment by Pepper Potts on August 28, 2011 at 10:19am -
David, thank you for your courage in sharing this honey. I think many of us might be able to share similar stories of internal struggles and battles but to be able to find the balance within, to regain that sense of balance, is the key.
I have been there and can identify with much (although in different ways) of what you write here. My love and thoughts are with you honey and its always good to know none of us are really ever alone :)
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